A Very Black Christmas
by docmuse
Summary: Sirius Black is having a great year, along with his fellow Marauders. But when he has to go home to Grimmauld Place for Christmas Break, will he be able to survive all his crazy relatives?
1. Chapter 1

"See you at the end of break!" Sirius winked from the train at Remus and Peter, who were standing on the train platform. He could see the small flecks of white speckling the platform and the Marauders hair. It was snowing, a perfect end to the beginning of a hopefully perfect year. Now he just had to survive Christmas.

Sirius stuck his nose into the latest Zonko's gift catalogue. He would have asked for something from them, but his mother wouldn't have stood for any of that.

His three cousins were coming, Andromeda, Bellatrix, and Narcissa. Sirius was fine with Andromeda, but the other two made him shudder. They were picture images of what the Black family categorized as perfect wizards. In Slytherin and apt to grow up and marry other Pureblood wizards, Narcissa and Bellatrix were the favorites of everyone in his family.

Sirius skimmed the pages of the catalogue until he spotted something particularly interesting. A gigantic balloon filled a whole page of the catalogue, reading TOJOURS PUR on one side and SERIOUSLY CRAZY on the other. The entry read: "Need to take your frustration out on something symbolizing the prejudice against Muggle-borns and half-bloods? This is the perfect thing! This balloon is guaranteed not to pop for at least ten jabs with the sharpest needle."

Sirius wanted to scream. He crumpled up the catalogue and flung it to the ground of the train carriage, but it gracefully unfolded on the way down and land face up on the same page. He groaned and attempted to bang his head against the wall. Couldn't they see? Not everyone in the Black family was so…well, evil! Who were the ones with prejudice now?

The train arrived at Platform 9 and ¾ several hours later. Sirius got out, almost slipping on the slick pavement. Apparently it had been snowing in London too. He recalled Mother's letter about his transport to Grimmauld Place and walked over to the second pillar on the left. A thick broom rested against it, inscribed with the Black family motto: TOUJOURS PUR.

Sirius arrived at the Muggle buildings which held Grimmauld Place within. He whispered the secret charm which opened the "gates," as fifth-year Regulus called them, and Grimmauld Place pushed aside the other buildings and appeared. He thought he saw Kreacher's face in one of the upstairs windows, but he ignored it. Mother would know soon enough that he was home anyways.

He pushed open the door of his room and was greeted by a heavy "Hello, lad!" from one of the many portraits on the hallway walls. He glanced over to see that it was one of his grand-uncles, Arcturus Black. "Drunk too much eggnog, have you?" He passed by the rest of the portraits without any more harassment.

Sirius tiptoed past the dining room door, hoping to get up into his room without being noticed. But luck was not in his favor. Just as he had almost passed the door, his uncle Cygnus burst out of the dining room, bumping Sirius with his rather large stomach.

"Op! Sorry! Who is that, is that you, Kreacher?" Cygnus closed the door behind him with a pudgy arm.

"No. It's not." Sirius pulled himself up with as much dignity as he could master and started to walk towards the stairs. Oh, if he could only reach the stairs! He felt like jinxing Cygnus as he pulled Sirius into the dining room. "Look who's here! My favorite nephew!" Sirius clenched his teeth and forced his mouth into a smile. If Cygnus had been sober, he would have treated Sirius like a rag under his foot, or a house elf.

"Sirius." Bellatrix stared him down.

"Always the first to welcome me, aren't you," said Sirius, wriggling out of Cygnus's arms.

"Yes," said Bellatrix, grinning creepily at him. Narcissa gave him the silent treatment as he walked by, but Andromeda gave him a warm smile and patted the seat next to her, where her cat, Lyra, was sleeping.

"Thanks," he whispered to her, throwing the cat off the chair without abandon.

"You're welcome," she said, "but be gentler with Lyra." He smiled at her while grabbing a piece of turkey off a plate and dropping it into his mouth. His mother had pulled out all the stops for the big family reunion, wizard lights, turkey, mashed potatoes with a spice made out of dragon scales, and a gigantic Christmas tree that bent the laws of time and space as it sat, as tall as twenty house elves all standing on their heads, in the corner.

"So how's Slytherin?" Sirius loaded his plate with mashed potatoes and turkey. The spice in the mashed potatoes might have been illegal, but it tasted extremely good.

"Very well! My grades are fine, all E's in Potions and Charms." Andromeda took delicate bites of the turkey, seeming to savor each tiny bit of flavor. "How's Gryffindor going for you?"

"Just wonderful." Sirius stared at the wall, eyes glassy and glazed.

"Don't tell me that you want to be there! Here is where your- and my- family is!" Andromeda smacked him playfully.

"Yeah. My crazy, prejudiced, always pure, house elf kicking family. Oh joy."


	2. Chapter 2

Sirius lugged his trunk up to his room, which was on the second floor. He was glad to see it unchanged after his being away from so long.

True, the walls were a dark green and the bed frame twisted about, meant to remind him of a snake and his heritage, but the rest of the house was grim and dark, and most importantly filled with all of his crazy relatives.

He set his trunk down in the corner and flopped down onto his bed. Sirius grabbed a picture of the Marauders, laughing, at Hogwarts. They were all so happy, Prongs, throwing his head back with laughter as he, Padfoot, grinning, whispered in James' ear. Moony and Wormtail were off to the side, still laughing, but with slight looks of reverence on their faces. He had noticed it before, how Wormy looked cowed when Prongs or Sirius spoke to him, how Moony never called them out on their pranks, no matter how serious, even though he well could as prefect.

But now he thought that Moony and Wormtail didn't really know him, they only knew this false version of him, the version who was always laughing, cocky and full of himself. It was nice to pretend. But in the end it always came back to one thing: if you're a lion in a den of snakes, you either die, or become a snake yourself.

If they came to Grimmauld Place, they would see, if his mother didn't kill him and whichever one of the Marauders he brought with him first.

Sirius found himself resenting the other Marauders, all the rest of them. They would never understand. He didn't know what they saw in him. He was insidious, evil, just like the rest of his family. A pretender, and that was that.

He crumpled the Marauders photograph, catching a glimpse of the photo Prongs' face falling as he chucked it across the room. It floated down past the top of his dresser, and the small picture on the wall, and almost past the fireplace.

But suddenly, the fire sparked and flickered green, and Sirius saw a pale hand reach out of the fire and grab the crumpled photograph. "Easier than catching a snitch," James proclaimed as he climbed out of the fireplace.

Sirius grinned. "And what are you doing here?" He knew just as well as James did. Prongs was here to cheer him up. All the Marauders, especially James, knew him far too well.

"I'm coming to play a prank," James said.

Sirius buried his face into the pillow. "Stop. Wait. No. I'm not in the mood," but James ignored his faint pleas, came over, and sat on the bed.

Sirius heard a soft crumpling and knew that James was looking at the picture. He groaned, but apparently James didn't hear him. "Ooh. Taking your fury out on your fellow Marauders, are you?" Sirius just about said no, but he realized that what James said was true and shut his mouth before a single sound escaped.

"Listen, roll over, will you?" Sirius rolled over onto his back. He knew there was no point in resisting, and that if he didn't talk to James, he would leave, and then Sirius would regret it for the rest of break. "What I was saying, was that I am here to play the best prank ever." When Sirius didn't respond to James' proclamation, he continued as if he had never stopped talking. "We're going to crash your family's Christmas party."

"What?" This got a response out of Sirius. "No! Are you possessed? Have you met my cousins? They'll blast us to bits before we even yell 'BOO!'"

"That's the genius of it! We'll be in our Animagus forms. No one's going to mess with a big wolf-dog and a giant stag, let alone a bunch of old geezers who can hardly manage a Stupefy spell." James looked proud of his plan. Sirius rolled his eyes.

"If you think that, I should go introduce you to my grandmother. She's no nice old lady," Sirius muttered, but he found himself liking the plan more and more by the minute. To spice up his winter a little, to bring some fun to what would otherwise be a dull, tortuous break of Slytherin pride and taunts from everyone in his family, except perhaps Andromeda.

"Come on," Prongs pleaded. "It'll be fun." James' look said 'I'm pleading, but I know you already like my plan.'

"Fine," Sirius conceded. "Sounds good."

"Good! Now, you'll have to hide me until Christmas, though," Prongs said, pretending as if this was a complete afterthought.

"What? No! Someone'll find you. And destroy me."

"You can't make me leave. I snuck out of Hogwarts. All the other Marauders don't even know I'm gone. If I come back early, Moony will report me, even if he is a little less harsh on us sometimes than he ought to be."

Sirius sighed. He knew he was beat. "Fine. But you're sleeping in the closet."


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer/Authors Note: I'm sorry not for putting a disclaimer on any of the chapters before this, so here it is. I do not own any of the characters or places in this story. All of these belong to J.K. Rowling. Also, one line which Bellatrix says is adapted from something Draco Malfoy says in the first book in the series. **

"So, how's Gryffindor?" Bellatrix spat out the name like an Unforgivable Curse.

"Fine. Just fine." Sirius sat upright, muscles tense with annoyance. He never should've agreed to sit next to Bella. She thought she was perfect, and by the Black family standards, she was.

"You really are having fun with all those Mudbloods," Bellatrix mused. "Maybe we'll have to disown you. Your mum says it isn't natural, you know. A Black, being in Gryffindor? Hah! Maybe your dad bribed the Sorting Hat so it put you in like a spy. Someday you'll have to leave all your little friends, do you know?"

"Stop!" Sirius burst out. "You're wrong. And I don't care if Mum disowns me, I'll find my own way about the world. I have friends, unlike you, who has only minions, if you do have those." Sirius got up and stalked to the stairs, not caring that he was leaving a steaming hot meal behind.

"Wait!" Bellatrix followed, feigning concern. "You're not mad at me, are you?" She looked at him from under lidded eyes, pretending innocence. Sirius almost shouted "Yes!" at her, but he realized that he would attract a lot of attention from his relatives if he was so harsh at her.

"No. I'm not mad. I just…have a bad headache. I'm going to go up to my room." Sirius feigned pain and began to walk laboriously up the stairs.

"Oh! You have a headache? I can help! Mother taught me a bunch of charms to heal. I'll come up to your room, it's easier in the quiet." She pushed past him up the stairs. He ran after her. If she saw James, both of them were dead.

He passed her on the last step and rushed down the hallway to his room. He peeked into his room and spotted James sitting on his bed reading a Muggle magazine with extreme interest. "Pssst!" James looked up and Sirius made desperate "No!" symbols.

James immediately grabbed the small leather bag he had brought with him and pulled out a shimmering cloak which he threw over himself. James disappeared under the cloak and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief. The invisibility cloak that had saved the Marauder's skins so many times had saved his and James' once again.

Sirius ushered Bellatrix in, and she made herself at home, sitting down at Sirius's desk chair and rifling through his papers. "Homework, homework, homework…what's this?" Bellatrix picked up a piece of parchment with messy handwriting scrawled across it and began to read. "Dear Sirius, I hope you have a good Christmas. Don't get killed." She stopped to ponder this. "Don't get killed. What could he mean by that?" Bellatrix smiled creepily and Sirius gulped. "Bring us some food from Christmas dinner at Grimmauld Place," she continued reading, "And look out for a special surprise. James Potter." Bellatrix set the paper down and grinned at him. "Who's this James Potter? One of your itty-bitty Mudblood friends?"

"No! He's Pureblood as you!" Sirius walked closer to Bellatrix and lifted his chin proudly, as if daring her.

"A Blood traitor then. I've never heard of these 'Potters' anyways, and even if I had…." Bellatrix picked the piece of paper up and walked over to the window gracefully. She opened the small window, letting in a blast of cold air, and dropped the letter out. Sirius watched the letter blow away, biting his lip.

"They sound like some obscure Muggle job. Really, Sirius," here she rolled the R in his name luxuriously, "You haven't figured out that some wizarding families are better than others? Pitiful."

"Get out of my room." Sirius spat at her.

"But cousin, I haven't helped you with your headache yet." Bellatrix moved closer to him, smiling evilly.

"Oh, you're far worse than any headache," Sirius groaned. "Out. Of. My. Room." Bellatrix hurried out, surprised by his dark tone. Once he was sure she was gone, he called James. "C'mon. You can come out now."

James flung off the invisibility cloak and Sirius was surprised to see that he had been sitting on the bed the whole time. "Thank gods! It was getting stuffy under there."

"Believe me, it was for your own good." Sirius rolled his eyes.

"After 'meeting' your cousin, I thank you for sparing me her company." James shoved the cloak in the closet.

Sirius laughed. "You'll have to put up with Bellatrix for another two days before our prank, though."

"Oh, I won't mind. It's worth it."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of J.K. Rowling's characters or settings.**

The smell of steak wafting up from the kitchen woke Sirius. He rubbed his eyes and stretched out, grabbing his wand off a side table near his bed. "_Accio_ James," he muttered.

A still sleeping James catapulted out of the closet, throwing the door open with a bang. James started awake just before landing headfirst against the bedframe, somehow landing on his feet.

"My reflexes have saved me again!" James struck a heroic pose. It didn't impress Sirius much, as James' hair was even more messy than was usual (and not in a good way) and he was wearing a pair of green pajamas borrowed from Sirius.

"Very nice," Sirius laughed, "but let's get down to business. Our 'best prank ever' is happening tomorrow and I still have no idea whatsoever of _how_ exactly we are going to go through with this without being blasted to bits."

James thought about it for a moment. "Simple. We use Shield Spells."

Sirius smacked his head. "Arrgh! And I'm supposed to be smart!"

"Yes…" James said jokingly.

"I'm not going to respond to that," Sirius replied briskly. "So, are we just going to come barreling down the stairs and everyone will scream 'MOMMY!'? Is that the goal of our prank?"

"That's exactly it!" James exclaimed, seemingly elated that Sirius had figured it out.

"I…don't think that's going to work," Sirius said flatly. "The only thing that scares my family is soap."

"Good idea!"

"What?"

"We'll pretend to be rabid! With soap! You know, that Muggle thing that everyone's scared of? 'Don't go outside when that big black dog's out there, honey, it might be rabid!'?"

"You mean we'll put soap in our mouths and it will foam and we'll look rabid? I doubt any of my family knows about rabid animals, or even cares. Also, I am most definitely not putting soap in my mouth."

"C'mon, doesn't any of your family work in Muggle Relations at the Ministry? They'd know about it!" Sirius shot James a look which said 'you really think that?'

"No," Sirius said flatly. "They're all prejudiced brats."

"Fine, I agree…but can we still do the rabid thing?" James gave Sirius the puppy eyes that never worked. Sirius gave James the glare that always worked.

"We can do it. But if anything goes wrong, I'm blaming you." Sirius sighed, giving James a final glare. It never hit, as James was already almost bouncing around.

"Go to the bathroom and get me some soap!" James ordered. Sirius obeyed and got some 'Pomegranate Soap: Guaranteed to Get You Clean As A Kneazle!'

James looked disgusted at the title. "Kneazles aren't clean! They're dirty as Wormtail!"

Sirius shrugged. "Look, it's marketing. Just…try it!" James sighed and stuffed some soap in his mouth. His eyes immedietly bulged wide and his mouth started foaming pink. "Perfect! You even look like you have blood in your mouth!" Sirius tried to compliment James, but it was hard when he looked like he was about to explode.

James spit a small magenta square out of his mouth. "That was nasty! How did I look?"

"I told you. Terrifying." Sirius tried to keep a straight face, but failed. He cracked up, trying to keep his laughing quiet but failing miserably.

James sighed. "Look, just get me some…not pink soap. Just regular soap, okay? Not flavored. We'll use that, okay?"

**I'm sorry that nothing really happened in this chapter. I've been really busy lately. But I hope that this story will be finished by the day after Christmas. Don't worry, the next chapter will be big… **


	5. Chapter 5

"WAKE UP!" Sirius started.

"Whuh? 'Dromeda, it's too early," he mumbled.

"It's not 'Dromeda, whoever that is," said a distinctly male voice. "It's James, remember, and today we are going to play the BEST PRANK EVER!"

Sirius sat up. "Oh yeah…so excited."

"You should be! No one else is up yet, so we can prepare!" James lowered his voice. "C'mon! I've got the soap you gave me yesterday, and so we can use it!"

"Alright, alright!" Sirius got out of bed slowly.

"Faster, faster!" James was bouncing up and down.

"We're going to have to wait until everybody else is up, you know. _Kronum_," Sirius muttered, and a glowing red display appeared in the air for a moment, reading: 8:29 AM. It flashed two times, and then disappeared.

James looked at first impressed, then disappointed. "We have to wait?"

"I'm not waking anybody up," Sirius said grumpily, "unlike you, Mr. 'I'll wake Sirius up just to annoy him and it's so early!' "

"Sorry!" James said, faking hurt.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "We'll wait. But if I fall back asleep, it's your fault.

About half an hour, three _Kronum _spells, and three games of war later, Sirius and James heard the first sign of someone waking up. _Creak…._

"That'd be Regulus' door opening." Sirius set down his cards. "And by the way, I have all the aces."

James shuffled his cards, looking at them all, and swore. He looked up at Sirius. "Cheater!"

Sirius shrugged. "To win? Anything. And besides, with family like mine, you learn how to cheat. And win. The whole thing is a life lesson, even if I'm not sure what it is."

James laughed. "Well, your family will be getting a life lesson soon enough!"

"And that is…"

"I don't know, it just seemed like a cool thing to say. Now go out there and say good morning to your brother."

"No way!" Sirius looked disgusted. "He'd curse me to bits! Mother and Father are always bragging about how good he is at jinxing and hexing, I don't need a demonstration."

"Alright, fine." They went back to playing war. Sirius cheated several more times, stowing aces up his sleeve, but James actually won one round.

"Pure luck!" Sirius exclaimed, miffed.

"Exactly!" James slammed his cards down on the floor. "Anyway, we've been playing war for hours! What time is it anyways? Your family has got to be up by now!"

"Do it yourself," said Sirius, grabbing James' cards and adding them to the large pile he was already shuffling.

"_Kronum_," James said clearly, waving his wand in a circle. 10:12 AM. "They've got to be up!"

Further proving James' point, a loud raspy voice called from downstairs. "Sirius, you lazy brat, get down here right now! Everyone else is up already."

"If only you knew," Sirius muttered, standing up and stretching.

"Let's go! C'mon! Let's do this!" James exclaimed. "Turn, let's go!"

"Wait wait wait wait!" Sirius stretched once more. He picked up his wand from the floor and cast _Protego_ on himself and James. He stretched into a feral position and morphed into a large black dog, fur scruffy.

"Got bed fur, do you?" James laughed. The dog growled. James got up and grabbed a small white square off an end table, popped it into his mouth, and transformed into a giant stag, shaking his antlers out. The stag snorted and tossed his head as if saying "Let's go!" The dog seemed to nod.

The stag trotted out of the room, pushing aside the black door with his antlers. The stag's feet made a muffled poofing sound on the green carpeted floor. When they reached the stairs, the pair stopped. The stag nodded once. Twice. When he nodded a third time, the two bolted down the stairs, the stag's mouth foaming and the dog's teeth bared.

When they got to the bottom of the stairs, they screeched into a turn, pushing the carpet to one side, the stag almost slipping. They sprinted (if animals can sprint) into the kitchen, where all the Blacks sat at the table.

The dog leaped onto the table, sounding a loud bark. The stag ran in, head butting the Christmas tree so that it fell over. Sirius's uncle Cygnus narrowly dodged the Christmas tree, but ran into a centuries old vase on the table, knocking it off the table to shatter.

The stag ran into the walls, ripping apart a portrait of Sirius's grandmother, who gasped and fled her portrait, dashing into a portrait containing a thin, green-eyed man with black hair, who comforted her.

Narcissa screamed, dashing under the table, her old-fashioned green dress catching on a loose nail in the fireplace and ripping loudly.

Bellatrix clambered up onto the table and faced off with the dog, the calmest one there. "You'd better watch out," she hissed. "You wouldn't dare…" Sirius growled. "You want to play, doggie?" She rasped, a crazy look in her black eyes. Sirius backed off, not wanting to get himself hurt. Bellatrix was just as willing to use a knife as she was her wand, and Shield Spells weren't the best at protecting from such mundane things.

Sirius jumped off the table and leaped to the door, where James was waiting, having butted the door open. They both leaped out the door, and were soon out of magic's reach, but not far enough not to hear Bellatrix's furious cry.

"I'll get you back for this, Sirius! You'll regret it!"

The two of them galloped into a dark alley and morphed back into their human forms. "That was…interesting," James said breathlessly.

Sirius nodded briskly. "But she knows."

"Oh, don't worry about that. Let's go get some butterbeer."

**Thank you everyone who has read my story. I hope you enjoyed it, and please review it so I can make my future writing better. Happy holidays!**


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